queen_of_leaves (queen_of_leaves) wrote in nodisorderhere,

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I think i may have ptsd.

okay, i think i might have PTSD, ... i never believed the methods in which these " life disturbances" as i'd like to call it are dealt with ( as opposed to "mental disorder, which they are not . )

Anyway, i'd just like to hear some feedback, as nobody else seems to understand. I grew up with this girl, *lets call her Sandy... she's my age.. for about nine years ( practically most of my life, as i am now 16 years old )... I spent every waking moment practically, during summer vacations and winter breaks while i was in middle school w/ her... we did everything together, told each other everything, even stuff you wouldn't believe 12 year olds would talk about.
The summer of 8th grade, or the beginning of 9th grade ( i was about 13/14 ) we both agreed to shedding some pounds... and then she lost more than i did, or something along those lines, and then she started becoming really conceited. Of course, i didnt reason like this back then. Over the years i'd built a sort of, unconditional love, unremitting trust with her. Until she decided that my feelings weren't of her concern. From this point, i endured the most horrifying emotional manipulation a teenager could go through. We'd spend an entire day together, just the two of us, and have a great time... then the next day, she'd ignore me completely. I'd also like to add that i couldn't just walk away, because we went to the same church ( in fact, church was how we met )... in 9th grade i also befriended an 11th grader, and i guess i caught onto a sort of " disease to please " after having been toyed with by Sandy. My priorities were blurred, and i wasnt myself around my school friends, whom i didnt bond with too much in the first place, even though i thought i did. I sort of felt like i was stuck, behind a wall. I'd get nervous very easily. Somehow i still considered myself an extroverted, out going person at this point.

10th grade comes along and my friend is still toying with my emotions. She creates new friendships at the church that we go to, flaunting them in front of my face... and flaunts "inside jokes" that she has with her friends in front of my face as well. She points out insignificant, yet hurtful things about me. She sides with a girl who thinks i'm annoying. She whispers in my ear that i look fat in a certain abercrombie tshirt....
Then comes the annual church winter retreat. Its basically this huge gathering of about four to five methodist churches, and a sort of "revival" or "week long worship/bible study session " takes place. I remember being uncomfortable, shifty. The girl who i'd spent practically my entire life with, was out makign new friends, and ignoring me. So here begins the week of hell. We had about 4 hours of activites/games sessions per day ... and half of the time i was back in the cabins, zipped up in my snug sleeping bag, wanting ever desparately to go home. Everyday, it was the same thing. I guess somewhere towards the end of the retreat we had this one night where all the non-christians would go up to the front of the congregation and "be saved" ... or those who lacked devotion, could be "renewed", and prayed for. Several of the girls from my church went up, and i went up because i felt so broken and lost, and needed prayer anyway. So i broke down into tears at the front, just crying my eyes out and asking God why i was going through so much... And after an exhausting session of prayer i stood up, and there was my friend, in front of me. She gave me a hug, and whispered " I'm sorry for being such a bad friend." My heart was willing, and forgiving. I forgave her in an instant. My eyes lightened up, but little did i know those words would be my demise.

We returned home from the retreat. I was imbued with a sense of renewal, courage. I'd gotten my best friend back, or so it seemed. Back to church. She continues to flaunt her new best friends in front of my face. And whenever i'd speak up, and say, " Sandy, you're hurting me. " Or tell her how i felt, she'd acknowledge it, or act as if she'd understood. So i would be drawn back into that sugarcoated sick cycle carousel. I am now becoming wearier.

It's strange... how she builds her confidence on my vulnerability, my insecurities, which only existed after she started becoming indifferent and secretly hostile. Before 9th grade, also, she was the most quiet person ever. I was the loud one. But the tables seemed to turn, and she put me down to make herself feel better.

Oh there were several times i would just try to end it. Ignore her completely, after she ignored me. But then, this is when she'd put on that fucking masquerade and look concerned, when really she meaned to hurt me again. " What's wrong? Something wrong?" I'd answer "Yes" and she'd either apologize or deny being a horrible friend. A horrible best friend. Then the cycle would repeat itself over and over.

( Sidenote : i also invited her to my winter ball in the winter of 10th grade.... payed for her 45 dollar ticket, everything. When we got there and i started to talk to this one girl, sandy would say while we were alone that " it seems like that girl doesnt want to talk to you " ... she knew i had just left my friends ( the real reason id left them was because i felt ic ouldnt connect with them anymore, although i used to be able to. They didnt leave me, i left them. And quite possibly might have even hurt one of them ) .... She knew id left my friends and she still did not consider my vulnerability at that point. So we dance at the winter ball, and then go home. After a whole night of talking, laughing, catching up, she goes home. The next day i see her at church and she ignores me again. Or she starts being really rude.... )

So it was a cycle.

I left the church a couple of months ago. And was on the road to healing. I forgot about her, and the church, and the memories still hurt but i felt i could try to move on. But. Last week, she imed me online and acted as if nothing were wrong. She asked how life was, and if i was doing well in school. Upon receiving this im, i felt flustered, angry, confused ( Like, " I thought i left you behind..." ). I gave her vague replies, like " Yea" , " no" , and "Cool".. but i started to become weary, afraid, and numb all over again.

Numbness the key word in this. I can't connect with people anymore, it seems. Or when i do speak, i feel so passive. Like im a child. But this shouldnt be the case.
I tried to erase every memory of her, and truncate every way that she could possibly contact me, i told her that i wanted to end our so-called friendship, closed my online journal ( xanga ) , and so on.

Oh, and the worst/best part. When i told her that i wanted to end the so-called "Friendship" she got defensive, and said things like " Is that how its going to be? You're just going to end it?" then said shit like, "Honestly, i tried." ( bull fucking shit. this made me the most angry. She did try. She tried to make me feel like utter shit. )

And i said " You've changed. I don't even know you anymore" she replied, " I'm not the same immature person" ( implying that when we were friends that she was immature and now shes "matured " )
Ironically even after saying these things she kept trying to keep the "idea that we were friends" in -tact, but i said No. Then she blocked me. I guess knowing that she could still control me left her with a sense of confidence, but i couldnt take it any longer. So i put my foot down.

SHe added, to appease her pseudofundamentalistchristianconscience... " Do well in whatever else you do." ... After saying complete shit to me. That's how she is. A two face.

ohhhhh.... there are so many things i should add. Like how when we'd fight, she would justify her ways with the bible. Or somehow use the word against me. " The bible says not to count wrongs" " The bible says this and that"

basically it was the most destructive relationship ive ever been involved in. And i am thinking whether or not i should seek therapy? I dont believe in medication, but i feel emotionally numb all of the time. I can't be myself anymore. Somewhere, i think, deep inside i'm afraid that she'll come back. I'm afraid of knowing that she exists.

Thanks for listening. Sorry if some of it seemed a bit thrusted, forced out there.

I also need to add that my speech, writing abilities seem to have somehwat been halted. Or repressed, whenever i encounter these feelings of numbness again.

My teacher always asks if i'm okay. And i'm not. But i'll smile sweetly.

please ignore grammatical errors. I can't help it when i'm like this. Seriously. And im usually a grammar nazi.
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